HER GREATEST FEAR

“Quitters don’t win and winners don’t quit.”

“Try and try until you succeed.”

“Never give up.”

          These are just some of the famous quotes that we hear every day.

         But, for a 20-year-old woman, there are just things that isn’t worth fighting for and isn’t worth trying for. There are things in this life that whether how much you want it, and how much you do everything just to have it, if it’s not destined for you, it will never be yours.

         Powerful, Energetic, Jolly, and fun to be with. That’s how her friends describes her.

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“Mahilig ako sumayaw at tsaka umarte. Nalaman ko lang talaga ‘tong talent na ito nung nasa highschool pa ako.”

          She was a first year high school student when she realize that acting is her forte. They had a classroom activity where they need to present the stages of courtship by a short skit. But because she doesn’t know her group mates well, she decided to make the script by herself. Then they practiced their presentation but she doesn’t like how her classmate act so she decided to get the last part of the scene. 

“Sa activities, inaangkin niya lahat kasi gusto niya maayos. Siya yung tao na nadidisappoint pag yung gawa, walang kwenta.”

“Siya yung taong gagawin ang lahat, makuha lang yung gusto niyang kalabasan.”

“Siya yung makapal ang mukha”

“Sobrang nakakatawa lalo na pag nagperform!”

          But there is something that made her self-esteem disappear.  A single thing that caused her to lose the personality she used to have.

          Something that thing that makes her heart beats faster apart from her crush. 

One word, ten letters.

RECITATION.

Why recitation?

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I asked some of my classmates what they hate the most in their professor’s grading system. Out of 20, 15 of them choose RECITATION.

“I really hate recitation. Hindi ako nagkaroon ng magandang experience when it comes to it. Kung sa bawat sampung recitation, isa lang siguro ang nasasagot ko at yung sagot ko pa ay mali.” 

          She was in elementary when she experienced the first embarrassment she will never forget. It’s when her teacher asked her to answer a question and she just doesn’t have the guts to answer it because she didn’t understand her teacher. Then, she also had those terror teachers that humiliates a student in front of class when they can’t answer their questions.

          Then she entered high school. She studied in a private university and she told herself that she will face her fear, that she will do everything for this to end.

“Ikalawang linggo ng klase yon at tinawag naman ako ng teacher ko sa Science kaya lang hindi din ako nakasagot dahil hindi naman ako magaling doon. Kaya, hindi ako pinaupo buong klase. Tapos naman sa Math, pinag-aaralan namin non yung postive and negative tapos, isa-isa kaming binibigyan ng problem at dapat sagutin yun sa board. Pag hindi nasagot, tatayo kami buong oras ng klase. At ako lang yung naiwang nakatayo.”

          After that day she realized that recitation is not really her thing. It doesn’t mean giving up too fast, it’s just that, she felt that no matter how hard she try, she can’t handle that thing. And she is not wrong because until now, even if she is in the last year of her college life, she’s still having a hard time reciting.

“Sa buong panahon na nag-aaral ako, nalaman ko naman sa sarili ko kung anong pinagkaiba ng recitation sa ibang bagay. At yun nga ay yung recitation, madalas, hindi pinaghahandaan, at siguro iyon nga yung weakness ko kasi ayoko ng biglaan sa mga bagay, gusto ko may proseso.”

          According to Giovanie Dano, a graduate of Psychology, there is no definite phobia when it comes to fear in recitations. But he added that, there is a phobia that is much closer to people who experience this kind of fear and that is Glossophobia or fear of public speaking and these may be the reasons why someone is afraid to speak in front of the people.

  1. Experience
  • Personal – when you experience something by just using your sensory awareness.

Ex. When you heard or saw that your teacher embarrassed your classmate who can’t answer her question.

  • Traumatic – when it was you who already experience the situation

Ex. When your professor embarrassed you in front of your classmate.

  1. Inferiority complex – when you always think that you can’t do anything or lack of self-confidence.
  2. Low self-esteem – you always have doubt in yourself, you don’t believe on what you can do.
  3. Fear of failure – when you are afraid in making mistakes.
  4. Fear of Judgement – when you’re afraid that people around you may not accept your opinions.

          She, being a student, may not be as smarter just like others but one thing is for sure, she’s one of a kind. 

          She isn’t perfect but she always finds a way to make herself feel better. She look for something that can make her stand out for her to forget all the embarrassment she has been encountering for almost 14 years.

       She loves to perform in front of people because her dream is to be a popular actress someday. Actually, she also loves to be a theater artist because singing is also her passion.

          She’s always on top whenever she performs. Acting, singing, group report with a twist, whether group or individual, she’s always looking for a #Pasaberg.

“Ako, hindi ako masaya sa weakness ko na ito. Kaya hindi ako papayag na na hanggang dito na lang ako. Of course, I need to stand out! I need to make my family proud!”

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          She comes from a simple family. Her two older sister is already married and now live elsewhere with their own family, while her older brother is currently working. It’s not that her father isn’t happy with her course but, they just don’t know how to survive in this industry without having a connection. Another problem is that, the pressure lies in her because she’s the only one who’s still studying that’s why it is not acceptable if she failed.

“Yung papa ko kasi, parang isang terror na prof. Kaya once na pinagrecite ka niya, hindi ka dapat magkamali kung ayaw mong makatikim ng katakot-takot na pagpapahiya.”

         Of course she understand her father it’s just that, there are times that it’s so tiring to think of other people’s feelings especially if they doesn’t do the same. It’s true that father always takes the blame which in the first place, what they are always trying to say is for our sake. But she felt the pressure for every time her father talks about her course and asking her where she wants to work. She also then felt that what her father is doing is not actually for her sake, but it’s just her dad’s habit.

        But the thing is, it resulted in her blaming her father and how he raised and trained her in such a set-up which affects her studies.

           But, whatever may happen, he’s still her father and she loves her family because she always appreciate all the sacrifices they have done.

         They may not going to see their daughter delivering her speech in her graduation, but maybe, just maybe some of these days, they can get the opportunity to see their daughter on national television because she has accomplished her dream to be one of the popular faces in media industry named, Michelle Gutierrez.

         And yes, that’s me.

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About the Author

Gutierrez, Michelle B.

She is just a simple girl who dreams to be a popular actress. She always wants to entertain people and make them laugh. She’s a very responsible student but she’s having a hard time expressing her thoughts verbally. She likes to watch Korean drama and is an avid fan of the walking dead. She’s single since birth because she believes that she can find her true love at the right time, in the right place, and with the right person.

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